


19 Months In 6 Minutes And 1 Eternity

by munich



Category: SM Entertainment | SMTown, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:53:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6393391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/munich/pseuds/munich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And - this might just be a second chance after all, mightn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	19 Months In 6 Minutes And 1 Eternity

**Author's Note:**

> This spun rapidly out of control (kind of like my ridiculous re-spiral with this ship) - I didn't mean to start another WIP, but I wanted to get this scenario out of my mind. Just in time, maybe, for both of their comebacks, too!

The company began sketching out a cursory outline around the end of the second quarter. Everyone's next album was supposed to be great.

"We're going to start generating fresh ideas. It's going to be a brand-new era," they began saying - whatever that meant, anyway. They said it to everyone once every two years.

In June, they told Taeyeon that she'd be going to America to work with the company's American partners. It'd be about a month, maybe two, depending on the progress that she made over there. "Maybe even three months, who knows. However long it takes for you to work it out with them. We've got real hopes for you, Taeyeon-ssi. We know that you'll represent SM well," they said, and Taeyeon nodded.

The news got around fast. Maybe she ought to have expected it. The next day, before Taeyeon had even gotten a real chance to take in the development, Tiffany called and said, "Is it true?"

Taeyeon couldn't say anything but yes.

"Hold on. I'm coming over. Keep your door unlocked," said Tiffany.

Tiffany never backed out of anything. In the next twenty minutes, there was a knock on the door. As soon as Taeyeon opened it, Tiffany said, "That's awesome. You know that, right? Seriously. New York? Capital of all the best guys in the world?"

Taeyeon scoffed without really meaning to.

"Come on," said Tiffany, and switched tactics. "Like, do you know how many people would be so jealous of you for getting to do this?" Upon hearing _that_ , Taeyeon rolled her eyes so hard that her head nearly hurt. Luckily, she was shutting the door so Tiffany didn't see. "Aren't you excited?" continued Tiffany. "Aren't you even a teensy bit excited to meet your new collaborators?"

"I met them already. We did a Skype call the other day with manager-oppa," said Taeyeon. Then she realized, after a pause, that Tiffany was looking at her with an expectant perch to her eyebrows. "What?"

"So? What were they like?"

Taeyeon shrugged. "I couldn't tell them apart."

"Oh my god," says Tiffany. "I'm going to need to teach you English just to survive. You _are_ useless."

"Hey. I'm useful enough to send over to New York, apparently," said Taeyeon, and didn't know why her heart thumped like that in her chest when she said it. It wasn't a good thump. It sort of made everything else in her chest shake.

Tiffany said something else. Taeyeon nodded without really listening anymore. She wasn't entirely sure why she was so hesitant about this herself, to be honest. She shouldn't be scared - no. She wasn't scared. She was just being a little tentative. Cautious. Taeyeon was wary of anything that might change too quickly. And this was a big unknown. This was completely new. In fact, the way manager-oppa talked about it made it sound as if she was kind of potential poster child or something for future collaborations. Like everything was going to rest on her shoulders. It was alarming.

But everyone else was so excited for her. Over the course of the next week, everybody came up and congratulated her. It was difficult not to be uplifted by their excitement. Taeyeon thought that she might as well give it a go.

##

"You might want to earmark this next one," said the realtor.

The neighborhood was good. Jessica made sure to check it out before the realtor even showed her the apartment. And once she stepped into the apartment it was even better. There were lots of long, clean lines. Lots of elegant, blank spaces. Lots of light from the windows. It could become something very quickly. For a minute the realtor stepped out to take a call and left Jessica alone to explore the place. And when Jessica stood in the middle of it, she thought she could envision what it might just look like if she were to buy it. If she were to live in it.

"It's going to be snatched up any day now," said the realtor, returning.

"I see," said Jessica. She looked around again. She could see why.

He showed her around to the rest of it. It didn't take that long. The apartment wasn't that big - Manhattan was still a very expensive place to live, much less buy a whole apartment.

"So?"

It was in a good area in town, it was relatively close to the offices, it was perfect on the inside, it was in ballpark range of her budget - it checked all the boxes. Jessica didn't know why she was hesitating.

Over the next couple of days, she thought about it. On the desk were some business school application print-outs, and she glanced at them, too. Then she slid the applications into the open drawer. That was still a hypothetical and she couldn't think about hypotheticals, right now. That Friday, she met with the realtor again. He took her to the apartment and she stood in the middle of the empty space one more time. For a moment or two, she closed her eyes. There was a home somewhere in there; she could sense it. When she opened them again, she'd made her decision.

The realtor saw it, too. His face split into a smile. "So. Shall I draw up the papers?"

Jessica didn't hesitate this time before she said yes.

He came to the offices with an envelope. It was just the initial offer. He was very clear about emphasizing the amount of competition they'd need to face before they could get this apartment.

"And, just so you know - if this goes through - you won't be able to move in until August. At the earliest."

It wasn't optimal but it wasn't a deal-breaker, and so Jessica nodded. "That's fine," she said, and signed the pre-contract.

Jessica was going places, and so she thought that it was time to move places, too.

##

America was scary. The metros were darker and faster than Taeyeon remembered; people in the streets shouted at her whenever they felt like it; the English that zipped by every single minute left her head spinning. Taeyeon was just struggling to get by most days. There was so much she didn't know. What she knew amounted enough to an order at McDonald's. What she didn't know amounted to a wrong order everywhere else, even Starbucks, that one time she was sure that she ordered a double shot of expresso. But when they called it out, it was - not that.

"I think - " said Taeyeon.

"Is this yours? Yo, you're Tanna? One grande caramel macchiato," he said, shoving it towards her.

Taeyeon gave up and took it.

The time passed by as if she were in a nightmare. Taeyeon was much too tired and scared to explore. Everything felt unfamiliar in New York, anyway, so she ended up taking the same route to the studio every single day. There was always something going on, everywhere. People shoving. Five or fifty taxis honking in the streets. Just once Gangnam Style came on, over someone's speakers on the metro, and the swell of homesickness that suddenly gutted Taeyeon's chest was just about unbearable. Another time, in the middle of the week, the power randomly shut off at the station, and Taeyeon ended up _literally_ stumbling around in the dark. Mostly she couldn't write - at all - through any of it.

It was awful. Taeyeon wanted nothing more than to be back in Seoul.

What was worse was that she was sure that it was showing during all the brainstorming sessions she went to. The American producers tried talking to her and she couldn't even understand most of what they were trying to say. "It's okay," said the taller, blond one - Alex. "You know what? Let's chill. We'll get there. These things take time and I bet the jet-leg's still getting to you, don't you think?"

Taeyeon nodded. It'd get better. It had to.

But things didn't get better. They got worse. It was like anything that she came up was just immediately poor. The producers were too nice to tell her anything to her face but Taeyeon just knew that she was screwing everything up. She didn't _want_ to. America was supposed to be the best part of anyone's career. She knew this. And all the while she kept stumbling, one step behind everything, in and out of the studio.

In the middle of July, producer-oppa called at 7AM in New York and started shouting at her almost immediately. It went on forever. It was over the phone so it wasn't like anybody could even see her. But Taeyeon kept her head down the whole time, anyway.

"You're going to need to do better than this, Taeyeon-ssi," he yelled. "We sent you to America for a reason."

After that, Taeyeon retreated within the hotel and avoided everyone and everything on SMS if she could, even Tiffany. It was easy. All she needed to do was turn off her phone and pretend that the rest of the world out there didn't exist.

##

Jessica spent the next couple of days getting work done. Checking in to make sure the new deal with Taoyin was getting closer to closing. Calling up a couple of old contacts to make sure the relationships were still alive. Tying up loose ends around the office before prep for the fall season really got started.

This was good. It meant that she could avoid thinking about the potential of the apartment too much. Nothing was a sure bet.

Jessica was mostly surprised when the realtor rang just two weeks later with good news. It wasn't until she saw the email with all the details attached that it really started to sink in. Slowly.

Soojung was the first person that she called.

"So I got it," said Jessica.

"No way," said Soojung.

"It's officially mine."

"Jess," said Soojung, and there was a crackle on the other end. Jessica realized one beat afterwards that it was Soojung laughing. It was happy laughter. It was really happy laughter. And all of a sudden Jessica wanted to laugh, too, listening to it.

"I can't believe you did it, Jessica," said Soojung. "You got a house in Manhattan."

Jessica couldn't stop smiling, but she corrected, "Apartment."

"Whatever. House, apartment - you did it."

"Yeah," said Jessica, and - it was just such a nice thing to let sink in. Her chest was so light. A bit of a change - she was going to be _moving_ \- but nice. Even when she thought about all the extra work it'd take to make the move.

But - no. Jessica wasn't going to worry about that yet; she was going to enjoy this feeling while it lasted. And, besides, Soojung was in the middle of saying, "God, I wish I could come. Aren't you moving in September?"

"You're too busy to think about coming," Jessica said. When Soojung sighed on the other end, she added, softening: "And I'm coming back to Korea soon, remember."

"Good," said Soojung, "You've just got to celebrate without me until then." Then she paused. "How _did_ you celebrate?"

Jessica needed to think about it. In truth, she didn't think there was even going to be time to celebrate. Probably she could open the wine in the evening. Pick up that book she'd never gotten a chance to finish.

So she said as much but Soojung jumped on it, right on cue, saying, "Don't be an ajumma, eonni. Go out or something. Get yourself a drink. Get wasted." The phone crackled on the other end again - Soojung was laughing. Jessica missed it a lot. Then Soojung repeated, "I really wish I could come."

"Maybe next year, okay?" Jessica told her, through the phone, and couldn't keep the fondness out of her voice.

Even the Taoyin deal was coming along, too. The evening after Jessica wrapped up another call with Beijing, she thought about it before deciding that yes, alright, she should exit the offices early. Because maybe Soojung had a point. Why not treat herself? It was a Thursday - still a bit too early for any place to be rocking. Everyone was relaxed, though, and the atmosphere at the bar was pretty catching. There were still quite a few empty seats, and so Jessica settled into one of them at the counter. Crossed her legs. Ordered a dry martini.

A guy slid into the seat next to her. "Hey, there," he said. "Let me get that for you."

Jessica smiled at him. He was tall. Dark-haired. He smiled back.

"So where are you coming from?" she said.

"Uptown. I saw numbers all the way here. Everytime I shut my eyes," he said. Then he explained: "I work for Morgan Stanley. I trade the whole market day. FX and commodities, you know, boring stuff like that."

"Extremely boring," Jessica agreed, and he smiled again.

"I'm not seeing numbers anymore," he said.

They talked over two more drinks before it was probably time to go. Jessica left the bar without leaving with him, but it was fun, even if she wasn't even really wasted; and now she could say that she'd properly celebrated a bit.

##

The next couple of sessions were just as unproductive. Taeyeon jotted down a couple more ideas in her notebook, presented them during the meetings. She didn't know why she was even trying. She knew they weren't good before she even brought them up. The slight frowns and hmm's that greeted them were only confirmations. Taeyeon still couldn't follow every single word the Americans said. But she had started being able to tell from the tone of their voices whenever something wasn't what they'd quite envisioned.

Towards the end of July, she finally cracked something that was sort of good. It wasn't bad at the very least, which was saying something, and they pounced on it.

"This is promising," said Jacob - the other one.

"Thank you very much," said Taeyeon, just as cautiously.

"You can definitely work on this. I'd want to see where this A refrain goes. These couple of measures right here, see? The chromatic scales, especially. They're great. Try and expand it. Let's see where it goes."

So Taeyeon worked on it until she couldn't anymore. It was a start. That's what they'd said, wasn't it?

When she brought it to the next session, though, everything but the start wasn't good enough. Again. "Not a big deal," said Jacob. "You'll get there eventually." Taeyeon tried to nod. He'd said the exact same thing so many times before already. She was sure that he was as tired of saying it as she was tired of hearing it. His smile looked a little too forced, a little too strained.

"Listen," added Alex. "Maybe we should take a break. Five minutes?"

They said something fast in English to each other, and Taeyeon tried not to look as miserable as she really felt.

Over the next week she was able to make a little bit more headway into it - but whatever progress she was making was much too slow to suit anyone's liking. There was word that the company might bring Taeyeon back to Seoul.

At the counter in the coffeeshop, she ordered a double shot of expresso and got a double shot of expresso, which was something, at least.

##

It would get busier, Jessica knew this. It was why she used any spare time beforehand to clear the air up with the apartment, and sign every single paper and cross every single _t_ and dot every single _i_. The one thing that she couldn't do was make inspection rounds with the realtor. Jessica kept postponing it there because there already wasn't enough time.

And it _did_ get busier. Jessica was dealing with it, though, when Taoyin called to invite Jessica over to Beijing to talk things out in person.

It was a privilege. It was a golden opportunity. But - where would the time from?

"Let me get back to you," said Jessica, over the phone, though she already knew what she needed to do, though. She needed to cut the trip to Seoul short again.

She just didn't want to admit it yet.

And maybe that was what was bothering Jessica when, during a radio interview, she tripped up and said that a comeback wasn't out of the question and that she might start singing again.

It wasn't a catastrophic mistake, but it wasn't _great_ , either, and she knew it'd reached the Korean media the instant the phones began ringing off the hook requesting a comment. Eric, the publicist, was working round the clock to do damage control. Even the statement they released the next day, though, didn't seem to convince anybody that Jessica wasn't planning to pursue a comeback, and Eric finally said they'd need to schedule another interview to clear the air.

It was pretty rough for a couple of days after that and when the desk phone rang just before midnight on Wednesday, Jessica picked it up while reaching for the coffee mug on the desk.

Her mother was the one on the other end, which woke Jessica up just marginally.

"Oh, Sooyeon," she said. "I just got back. You're really going to settle down in New York?"

And even while she was just barely awake, Jessica could detect the defeat in her mother's tone, and it made Jessica's throat go dry. She didn't want to think that she'd been the cause of it. "I am," she said, eventually. "I signed the papers. So probably."

"When did you sign the papers?"

"About a week ago," Jessica admitted. "I e-mailed you."

Her mother paused. Jessica wondered vaguely if she was going to get another talk about choices and stability and choosing New York over Seoul, and didn't know if she possessed the strength to go through it again, right now. She picked up a pencil to distract herself beforehand.

But, instead, what her mother said was, "Congratulations. I'm so proud of you," and that was - that was -

"Thank you," Jessica said, and didn't mean to whisper.

Her mother didn't bring up any of the usual spiels about the apartment afterwards, either. She did bring up Jessica's entirely fake comeback, though, but by then Jessica was a bit too tired to correct any of it.

##

It really was an accident. She'd seen Jessica around, sure, in Seoul - in headlines on the net, in magazines, sometimes, or as a passing figure in a commercial on television. Taeyeon went out of her way to avoid every one of them. But sometimes these things happened. Like the billboard in Incheon, for instance. She couldn't ignore that one even if she tried, and she'd tried.

When she saw Jessica in the coffeeshop just off 9th and 46th, Taeyeon stopped in her tracks. Seeing Jessica in person wasn't anything like a billboard. At all. It was much scarier. Plus it would probably need to involve talking. There were multiple coffeeshops in New York, though, weren't there? She was sure that she could just as easily go and buy a shot of expresso down the street. So she was just about to head back out the door, but then Jessica turned and their eyes met.

"Oh," said Jessica.

Taeyeon couldn't exactly walk away anymore but she couldn't walk towards Jessica, either. Her brain seemed to have had short-circuited. In the end, Jessica came up to her.

"So you're in New York," she said.

Taeyeon swallowed. Then she said, as carefully as she could, "So are you."

Jessica looked good. She looked - she looked good. Her eyebrows were a bit furrowed. She looked like she was just a beat behind figuring out the punch-line to an untold joke, to be honest. Taeyeon didn't know what else she ought to have expected, though she was surprised when Jessica said, with something close to resignation in her voice, "Well, we might as well share a table now, right?"

All throughout breakfast, Taeyeon wanted to stare. She didn't _want_ to stare, though, and so she ended up doing a strange dance that fell somewhere between staring down at the bagel and stealing glances up at Jessica every once in a while. They talked intermittently about the weather in New York and the weather in Seoul and the weather in California and, strangely, baseball.

It was weird. All this time away, and - it was weird.

But she didn't want to go. Once Jessica seemed like she was making a move to rise and Taeyeon said something daft about how Jessica was obviously wrong - everybody in Seoul knew the Mets were going to win this season, anyway. She must've sounded nuts. She knew nothing about the Mets outside of the pictures she'd sometimes seen on the newspaper backpages on the metro. Even then, she wasn't sure if it was the right baseball team. It worked, though. Jessica gave Taeyeon a strange look; but after a while she sat back down, and didn't leave for a bit longer.

##

In one week the company gave Taeyeon the go-ahead to fly back to Seoul; and Taeyeon was ready to go, all packed up and waiting, in twenty minutes. The flight over the Pacific couldn't be any more excruciatingly slow. Taeyeon couldn't even muster the patience to watch Kung Fu Panda. Instead, she slept - maybe that would make the flight go by faster.

Out of habit, she messaged in the group chat when the plane landed. The group chat between the eight of them wasn't actually that active anymore; really, it was mostly dead except for the occasional exchange every now and then. So she was surprised when Sooyoung texted back nearly immediately, _Drinks????_ It popped up only a minute after Taeyeon's text.

Only Sooyoung and Sunny and Hyoyeon could turn up. Taeyeon was even more surprised but also kind of excited. She hadn't been able to run into any of them in a while, even before she'd left for the States. And it was _good_ to finally be back in Seoul. It was great. She felt great. This was so much better than anything in the States. She could actually order a Guinness without needing to point uselessly around. Sunny and Sooyoung gave Taeyeon big hugs and Hyoyeon made Taeyeon buy drinks for everyone, though Taeyeon protested that it should be the other way around. It didn't matter; this was great.

"So?" said Sooyoung. "How was the great and mighty Kim Taeyeon in the great and mighty city of New York?"

"Hey," Taeyeon parried, easily. "Do you ever shut it?"

In just thirty minutes, though, she was already running out of the funnier stories. It was ten minutes later that she also started remembering that she was still seriously - really seriously - jet-lagged. The room was starting to swim and her head was starting to grow heavy. Maybe she shouldn't have gotten that second beer, after all. And all the while they kept asking question after question until Taeyeon finally said, "You guys, you've been to the States. You know exactly what it's like."

"Yeah," said Sooyoung, "But we've never worked with any American producers." Then she waggled her eyebrows in clear invitation, but by that point Taeyeon really just wanted to go back to her home and sleep. For a decade, preferably.

But that was the way it went over the next couple of days, too. Everybody wanted to know if it was _different_ working with big-shot American producers. If it was _exciting_. What was she supposed to tell them? That she couldn't write more than ever and that it'd nearly killed her? That the American producers were starting looking at her like she was a talentless fly on the wall towards the end? She didn't want to tell anybody about any of that. She didn't tell anybody about Jessica, either - even when she saw the rest of the girls at an all-company meeting the next day. She didn't really know why. What she did know was that she didn't want to think about it any more than she already had.

The meeting with producer-oppa on Thursday went as badly as she'd dreaded. He started out kindly enough but Taeyeon could hear the pity in his voice even as he started laying into her, which was possibly even worse.

"So I had a chat with Alex yesterday. Your work still doesn't seem like it's holding up very well."

"Yes, I know," said Taeyeon.

"It's not your usual standards, Taeyeon-ssi," he said. He was so frustrated that he got to his feet and started pacing around the room. Taeyeon was very aware of the guilty sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. "I just don't understand. What happened? You need to do better."

"Yes, I will. It won't happen again," she said.

"Please ensure that it won't. You need to start producing. You need to make sure that what you're producing is better work. If you don't, then - well, our American partners are going to think that we're just trying to waste their time. Frankly, they might already think that, and our partnership is new enough as it is."

"Oh," said Taeyeon, because she didn't know what else he wanted her to say.

He turned around to look at her. "Don't you understand?"

Taeyeon thought that this was extremely unfair. He was the one didn't understand. She didn't _want_ to not be able to write, damn it. In fact, she wanted to write more than anything else in the world. She wanted to write, then sing whatever she wrote. That was always the case; that had never changed, ever.

"Yes, I completely understand," she said.

##

Soojung met Jessica at the airport. She helped Jessica with her bags and they put the rest on a trolley to roll to the car.

"I really want to see your new place," she said.

"I sent you pictures, didn't I?" said Jessica. Soojung rolled her eyes at her, and Jessica didn't even bother trying not to smile back at her. It was a relief to be back in Seoul; it was good, yes, finally, but it was even better to see her sister again.

Getting past the scrum of cameras was still difficult, though. And the fans. They reached the garage after more than a few people stopped them along the way for autographs.

"Oh. You won't be able to guess who I ran into," said Jessica, in the car.

Soojung took one glance as she started the engine and guessed, strangely enough. She was perceptive like that. "You don't mean - "

Jessica nodded.

Soojung seemed slightly spooked. "How was it?"

It'd been - weird, Jessica thought. Everything about Taeyeon was weird, though, so she didn't know why she was surprised. She couldn't even remember what they'd talked about anymore. Mostly Jessica had kept up the conversation while Taeyeon had looked the whole time like she was trying hard to remember if she'd left the stove on back at home. There were one or two moments when Taeyeon had been oddly argumentative, maybe.

Other than that, though, Taeyeon had mostly been quiet. So basically nothing had changed.

"It was nothing," said Jessica, at last, shrugging. What was there left to say, really? "I'm surprised it wasn't more awkward, actually. We ended up getting breakfast and then she left."

"Right," said Soojung, thoughtfully.

There was a lot of traffic heading out of Incheon, so Soojung ended up concentrating to navigate the road. Jessica thought that that was it until they rounded the turn onto the highway and Soojung said, "You know that Taeyeon-eonni's struggling, right?"

Jessica withheld any sarcastic comment with some effort. "I didn't," she said, instead.

"Company rumors. You know. One of the last rumors going around was that one of the producer-oppas blew up at her over the phone because she wasn't coming up with anything good for her next album."

And Jessica was surprised, genuinely. "They wouldn't do that. She's the company darling," she said, shaking her head. Then she frowned, wondering why there was some bitterness creeping so audibly back into her voice. She'd thought she was over it. She _was_ over it. But some things that'd already settled in her head took longer to settle outside of it, she guessed.

Soojung didn't disagree with her. "Well," she said. "That's when you know it's really bad."

It wasn't much to go on - but Jessica glanced over, anyway. Soojung's eyes were on the road. When did Soojung grow up? Jessica wondered this everytime. She sighed. "I should reach out next time."

"I didn't say that you should do that," said Soojung. "Actually, I think that's a really bad idea."

Jessica tried to imagine the circumstances, but it was difficult. And, anyway, there were more important things than Taeyeon to think about soon enough. Seoul was _tiring_. It took one day before Jessica started remembering everything - the cameras perpetually waiting around every corner she turned, the vitriol if she was ever at the wrong place at the wrong time, the gossip.

Plus there was her mother. "Don't you ever get lonely in New York, Sooyeon? Everybody you know is here," she kept saying, which - it wasn't true. It wasn't. Jessica could only think about balance so many times before she went crazy.

But the best part _was_ seeing everybody again, all her friends. It was just so tough to find time in between all the work Jessica knew she still needed to finish in Seoul. It'd been so long since she'd come back to the country. Jessica was determined to make time if that was what it came to.

##

Seoul was great, sure, but Taeyeon's room was even better. She'd nearly forgotten the way everything just slowed to a humming standstill once she was inside it. Quiet. Hers. And once she was inside it, she didn't go out until she absolutely needed to - until, basically, Tuesday, when manager-oppa sent Taeyeon along to a taping, saying, "Just slotted you into the schedule. We should use you while you're still in Korea, shouldn't we?"

And, surprisingly, it wasn't that terrible. Taeyeon was braced to expect questions about plans, or, maybe, the next album. Instead, they asked Taeyeon about Yoona's temper and chocolate and the new Samsung AI. In fact, they were downright _careful_ not to mention anything about the States or what Taeyeon had been up to the past couple of months. It nearly gave Taeyeon whiplash. Almost everybody in their circles knew about America and Taeyeon didn't especially enjoy the way it'd pretty much become a wink-wink sort of thing among everybody in the industry.

In between the taping break, Joohyun said, "You were gone only one month, eonni." She said it in that clear, inquiring way of hers that Taeyeon never could really lie to. "What happened? We all thought you wouldn't be back until the end of October."

Taeyeon shifted uncomfortably. She didn't want to go around making things up to everyone, especially Joohyun. So she said, "Nothing. The company wanted me back in Seoul to catch up," and there, that wasn't quite a lie, was it?

Joohyun nodded.

"How was it, eonni?"

Taeyeon tried to smile. "Loud. Every day gave me a headache," she said.

Joohyun would know what that meant, at least. Taeyeon remembered when they were in New York with Tiffany and Joohyun complained whenever she could never sleep because of the noise. And Taeyeon was right; all Joohyun replied was, "But you're going to stay in Seoul now, aren't you?"

"For the time being. Until they tell me otherwise."

"That's good. I'm glad you're back," said Joohyun, and it was - it was just so nice, hearing that. Of course it would be Joohyun who would say something as simply as that. Of course. Taeyeon blinked back the sudden rush of emotion. But Joohyun was still looking at her with her eyebrows slightly drawn in concern.

"Your drama's really good," Taeyeon ended up saying. Lamely. Sincerely.

Joohyun smiled. "You watched it all the way over in America?"

"I tried," said Taeyeon. "Every Thursday, right?" Then she leaned in and whispered, "Your acting's better than Jichul's," which made Joohyun hit Taeyeon on the shoulder and laugh, covering her mouth.

##

The only thing was that she'd forgotten that news didn't exist in a vacuum, and, anyway, vacuums didn't survive only one month. People remembered the July interview and brought up the comeback whenever they could. Jessica repeated to everyone that the singing comeback was a mistake because, well, that was just the truth, wasn't it?

It was just that nobody seemed to really believe it. "It's what all the news reports say," said an uncle at a family reunion, on Friday. Jessica needed to remind herself that this was her mother's brother and if she killed him, people would be very upset.

"The news reports are wrong," said Jessica. "I released a statement saying that. They're completely wrong."

"Is that so?"

"I'm serious about fashion," said Jessica, and this time it was to partly to remind herself that things outside of comebacks and singing existed at this point. "I might even go to business school to study it."

He waved it away, though. "Fashion's silly. You must know that."

Soojung made a face at the back of their uncle's head, and Jessica couldn't help the juvenile smile that seeing that brought about.

Towards the middle of August, Jessica started getting ready for the China trip. Soojung came over to help pack up some of the luggage, even though she was swamped with promotions and Jessica told her not to. It was a good thing that Soojung came, though, because Jessica was pretty under the weather. They'd all thrown a surprise party for Jessica the other night, which was really nice, but the alcohol got a bit out of control. Jessica didn't even remember much of the party anymore - just the beginning, really. Walking through the doors. The yells of surprise. Pressing a hand to her mouth. Trying not to be overwhelmed.

Jessica didn't quite trust herself with a knife in the morning, either, not when the room was still spinning so much everytime she got up, and so Soojung was the one fixing up some fruit in the kitchen.

"Do you really need to go to Beijing?" she asked.

"Do you want to go instead of me?" said Jessica. "You can, you know. You should. I'll give you my passport."

Soojung emerged with a platter of apple slices, rolling her eyes at Jessica. "Eonni, you suck," she said, and Jessica meant to smile back, except even smiling made everything spin again. So she got some more water, instead.

It got better mid-way through packing. Good enough so that Jessica could get up without either staggering or feeling as if she was going to topple over any second. Just in case, though, Soojung was the one who grabbed the baggages and dragged them over to the room they were using as a base. Jessica started putting stuff inside.

"So I was talking to mom," said Soojung, out of the blue. "And everybody else."

"Hmm," said Jessica.

"You should consider it, you know," said Soojung. Jessica glanced up and was startled to see Soojung fixing her with a level look. Playing dumb wouldn't work. Soojung was so smart. She'd been waiting for the moment Jessica's mind stopped pounding to bring this up.

"It was never in my plans," said Jessica, instead, reaching out to pick up the toothbrush case. It was the truth. "It really was a stupid mistake, saying that. It just slipped out."

"Yeah," said Soojung. "But why'd it slip out? You must've been thinking about it."

"Trust me," said Jessica, as dead-pan as she could. "I wasn't."

"Then you should," said Soojung, and she was - probably right, damn it.

Jessica knew it all along but she went about work, anyway. She couldn't - she couldn't afford to be distracted in the middle of this Taoyin deal. There was time to think about a comeback afterwards. It was difficult to contemplate in Seoul, anyway. Everybody knew about it. Everybody was eager to share an opinion. Jessica couldn't think much with everybody yelling something different at her.

##

Taeyeon wasn't surprised when producer-oppa called another meeting but she was surprised by what he ended up proposing.

"One Skype call with Alex and Jacob. I want you to apologize. And I want you to thank them for all their guidance," said producer-oppa. Taeyeon didn't mention that those two things were basically all she'd done in the States. He said, continuing, "For now you'll work in Seoul. Then we'll re-evaluate where we stand on things in January, alright? Maybe it's better to send you to the States again when you've already got a solid start going on the album."

"Okay," said Taeyeon, so instantly that producer-oppa looked startled for a moment.

On the days she wasn't scheduled to do anything, Taeyeon dropped everything and sat down at the piano. She needed to get it together. She might not be given another chance like this again. And she'd get to stay in Seoul to do it.

It was worse than a drug shot straight to the veins. She worked in the room day and night, until Tiffany was on the brink of breaking down Taeyeon's door.

"This is not going to happen again," said Tiffany. Taeyeon looked up. "Not on my watch."

"You're not wearing a watch," Taeyeon pointed out, just to be snide.

Tiffany ignored her. "Here. Come _on_.. There's a party tonight," she said. "At Taehyun's. Everyone would be really excited to see you there."

Taeyeon thought about all those people in one room - all that time she'd need to spend not sitting down at the piano bench and not trying to pound this chorus out - and recoiled. She couldn't help it.

"I don't know," she said, functioning on auto-pilot, shying away.

"Come _on_. You're not going to write well if you just stay cooped up in here. Give your piano a break." Then Tiffany pulled a face, and said, "Please?"

Taeyeon gave in after Tiffany pulled the same face three more times in the same number of minutes.

Tiffany turned up again at Taeyeon's at exactly ten past nine to make sure she was going, which Taeyeon personally thought was a little excessive. Because she'd already said that she'd go to this stupid party, which was turning out to be - okay. Surprisingly. It got even more bearable after two drinks. Taeyeon was still worried about the album, of course she was, but it was probably good if she took in air outside of her own room once in a while.

By the end of the evening, she was relaxed enough to stand by the side of the room talking to a friend of - Jaechuk's? Wendy's? It didn't matter. He worked for some start-up - "Here. Give me your phone. Don't you want to be our tenth customer?" He was polite, mostly, with a bit of edge that made Taeyeon laugh a few times, and Taeyeon noticed when he started eyeing her with a bit more shine in his eyes.

"So you don't come out too often," he said.

Taeyeon laughed a bit since she didn't know what else to say. "I think it depends on your definition of that," she said, eventually.

He smiled. "You're right. It is a bit far, isn't it?" Then he paused. "It's a good neighborhood, though. You know, my place is a bit closer."

"Is it?"

"I'm discreet," he said, and Taeyeon knew what that meant.

The sex was good - it took Taeyeon's mind off writing a little bit, at least, but not enough. Taeyeon knew it was an oversight before she even got back the next morning, before the sun was even up; she was already starting to feel herself trip irrationally into panic. What was she thinking yesterday? That was so much time she'd wasted _not writing_.

Taeyeon sat back down at the piano bench. Her notebook lay open next to the pencil, and she picked up both. She wouldn't go out again. Not until this was done.

##

Taeyeon should've guessed that Tiffany would end up breaking down Taeyeon's door again. "I rang you so many times since the party," said Tiffany, on - Taeyeon didn't know which day it was anymore. "Did you not get any of them?"

"Oh," said Taeyeon. She vaguely remembered that. "They might not have gone through."

"All eight of them?"

"Maybe," said Taeyeon, shrugging.

"You disappeared on everybody when you were in New York," said Tiffany. "You're disappearing on everybody now."

That woke Taeyeon up. "So?" she snapped, in a way that she usually didn't snap at anyone. Worse, she realized it.

Tiffany was silent for a minute. Then she said, "Nothing."

Taeyeon was messing up. She was missing the plot.

And - most of all - the songwriting was going nowhere. It was supposed to be New York's fault. Taeyeon was praying so. It wasn't New York, though. It was just Taeyeon. The knowledge settled somewhere sicker than low. However much she tried, she couldn't go to sleep at night.

There was another party that Saturday. Tiffany didn't try inviting Taeyeon, that time, and Taeyeon was glad.

##

There were _more_ questions about singing in China. Jessica tried to dodge anything that started with, "Are you planning to . . . " but it was getting impossible to avoid. Especially with the sheer number of people in Beijing. On the way out of the airport, she was asked it fifty times already. Even before the meeting with Taoyin, somebody on the streets shouted if she was going to make a comeback, and Jessica could only wave and smile and pretend that she was temporarily deaf.

It was so surprising - even more so than commotion at the fan-meet they'd organized, where she could only distract everybody by saying something somewhat charming and completely unrelated in Chinese. Jessica was amazed in spite of herself. In Seoul, yes, maybe. In China? When would this topic just - just go to _rest_ already?

"So I read the news," said Irene, in the bar.

"Oh, no. Don't," said Jessica. "Don't even start."

"What?" said Irene. "About your comeback?"

Jessica glared.

"So when's the date?" said Irene, looking at Jessica with something really awfully close to expectation on her face, which was when Jessica realized that she was being completely serious. Another epiphany trailed only one or two beats afterwards: sometime in the past few weeks the question had, terrifyingly, morphed from _if_ Jessica was making a comeback to _when_.

It was scary.

Irene must've noticed something was wrong because she raised her eyebrows and said, "Hello? Hello? Come back to earth already."

"There's no comeback," said Jessica. "Everybody can keep dreaming. Including you," she added, a touch drier than she'd meant. Irene grinned. "Come on, we get to meet up in Beijing and you want to talk about my non-existent comeback? Really?"

"Why not?" said Irene. "It's so exciting. It's much more exciting than talking about the pollution in Beijing."

"Is it, really?" asked Jessica.

"Yes. Gossip about you always is," said Irene, and Jessica couldn't cover up the wince. "Well," added Irene, softening, "Even if the comeback's not true. You should think about it," but that wasn't anything that Jessica hadn't heard before. In fact, it was something that she heard everyday. It was probably good that she'd be back in the States soon.

##

Taeyeon was shifting back all the deadlines she'd set for herself. Every single day. She wasn't making any of them, anyway. She wasn't getting anywhere that mattered. So, really, what did any of it matter? Until, on Tuesday, the company came up with a better idea than the Skype call with the American producers.

"We want to make sure that the relationship is good going forward," said producer-oppa. "Which is why we're decided to do this."

And Taeyeon thought that she was just about managing to conceal what she really thought about this, she really did. She must've been more obvious than that, though, because manager-oppa ended up noticing the expression on Taeyeon's face.

"It's just for one week this time, Taeyeon-ssi," said manager-oppa.

Taeyeon nodded. There wasn't anything else she could say.

The plane would land in New York at 6AM, that Thursday. Inside the airport, before departure, Taeyeon set her baggage down and found a spot to charge her phone. The gate was still filling up. Every once in a while, a couple snatches of conversation drifted over. In fourteen hours, it'd be only English. For just a minute she imagined going through customs again, and the metro and the people; and the déjà vu was overwhelming, and not in a good way.

Her phone was done charging. Taeyeon thought about checking in on SMS but the thought was just so tiring. Instead, she ended up nodding off right up until the gate got so full and noisy that she was startled awake again. Feeling a little bewildered already, she checked the time. But there was still plenty of time left.

The moon was up. In the end, Taeyeon settled into a chair farthest from the big glass windows and tried to drift back off until they announced that the flight was ready to board.

##

New York was so noisy and big and unpredictable, and she'd missed it. It was easy to settle back into the rhythm of the city. When Jessica emerged out of Penn Station, there was somebody playing the sax to Drake and somebody else break-dancing right in the middle of the square to the beat. "Five, six, seven, eight - " everybody was shouting. It was these moments that made Jessica remember why she'd chosen to settle down in New York out of all cities in the world.

And there were things to do right off the bat. Jessica dealt with all of them as soon as she could. The Taoyin deal was off to an even better start ever since Jessica's visit to China but there were still some snags that needed smoothing over. And Fashion Week was coming up. It was going to get even busier but it was manageable right now.

Finally Jessica got to go with the realtor to the apartment and make the inspections, too. It was just as nice as Jessica remembered. When she stood next to windows, near the balcony, she could see Central Park in the sunlight and it made the day that much better.

"It's going to be yours at the end of the month," said the realtor.

Jessica couldn't stop smiling again. It was completely irrational but - "There's nothing wrong with it," she said. And she meant it.

One week after Jessica got back, Eric called. Jessica knew it was coming; she'd nearly been expecting it and she would've called Eric herself if she wasn't still thinking about it every so often. Still, she picked up after just a second of pause. This wasn't avoidable forever, and, besides, she wasn't one to avoid things in the first place.

"I'm going to go ahead and book you the interview," said Eric. "For you to clear things up about the comeback. Are you in?"

Jessica tapped her fingers against the table. Shut her eyes. She made a decision.

##

The interview was good. Fine. Some guy named Ben was the interviewer. He was nice about it and apologized upfront about the air-conditioning breaking down.

"So you're Jessica, " said Ben.

"That's me," said Jessica, putting on a smile, even though, well - that was a pretty self-explanatory thing to say.

Ben seemed to realize it, too, because he laughed. "You're a real natural in front of the camera," he said. The compliment sounded real enough, though Jessica never really could tell with journalists. So she played it off.

"Practice," she said. That was true. "You know."

"Great," said Ben. "Come on. Let's sit down."

And it was going well right up until Ben moved them into a side-room. Jessica didn't know what was different but something was just - _off_. It was weird. Jessica tried not to get distracted but it was difficult, especially when she couldn't figure out why. In the middle of the interview, she reached for the glass of water to compose herself even when every single question was so softball it was a bit ridiculous. This was just the first session and they weren't even talking about comebacks yet.

It would be over soon, though, and Ben was in the middle of asking something about inspirations when the door opened. Somebody said something to Ben, who made a face back.

"I'm sorry," said Ben, putting down the notepad.

Jessica nodded politely - she could guess what was coming next.

"Excuse me," said Ben. "I'll be back in just a minute." The door shut again and Jessica was left by herself in the silence.

Except - it wasn't silent. Not quite.

Now she realized what was so distracting. It was the Girl's Generation soundtrack playing in the background. Into The New World. Baby Baby. Merry-Go-Round. It was an American interviewer for an American magazine; it made sense. He must've done the minimum amount of research and thought that it would be relaxing to play some music that Jessica knew from the past.

Instead, it was only making Jessica remember things. Like their debut. Like singing. Like September. Like that conversation in the car, with Soojung, driving out of Incheon - and Taeyeon. It was the opposite of relaxing.

Now it was 7989 playing. Jessica didn't especially believe in signs, but she knew a reminder when she met one. Even when she wasn't especially glad that she was being reminded, and the thought of taking the initiative and reaching out - even if it was just to make sure Taeyeon was doing alright in New York - was making something inside Jessica's chest rattle in - she wasn't sure. After all these years -

Jessica picked up a pen that was on the coffee table. Twirled it until Ben returned ten minutes afterwards, and even then she couldn't stop thinking.

Ben noticed, mid-way through the rest of the interview. "Hey," he said, "You seem a little tense. Is everything alright? Do you want some more water or something?"

Jessica shook her head. "Everything's fine," she said.

##

"Listen. You're in the city. Clearly, you're miserable - "

Taeyeon started to argue instinctively, but Jessica cut her off. "Just come out. Coffee. I'm not going to bite your head off or anything, I promise."

It surprised Taeyeon, enough to wonder vaguely, shouldn't something about this be the other way around? Taeyeon was still slow and punchy from jet-lag; even so, she could detect the slight trace of weariness in Jessica's voice, the tiny break that said that Jessica was about to stop trying soon. Taeyeon remembered it without even meaning to remember it. Before she could think, she'd said yes.

They met during the weekend. 59th and 8th. The wind was already bitterly bracing while she waited on the corner; seeing Jessica walk across the crosswalk was the last thrust that tumbled Taeyeon into something that somewhat more resembled wakefulness.

And Jessica looked - she looked good, again. Her strides towards Taeyeon were more purposeful than anything else. Taeyeon stared more than she perhaps should've; she was still just a shade too groggy not to.

"What's wrong?" said Jessica, when she neared.

It surprised Taeyeon even more. She should've known that Jessica would always go straight to the point. "Nothing," she said, and shifted a little uncomfortably on the spot. Jessica gave Taeyeon a quick glance-over but didn't say anything.

They started walking and it was only instinct to fall into step next to Jessica. Taeyeon just wanted to _stare_ again. Instead, she stared down at the sidewalk as they walked.

Eventually it occurred to Taeyeon that she didn't know where they were going but she guessed that it didn't really matter, did it? Jessica would know. Though Jessica wasn't saying much, either. Taeyeon tried not to glance over too many times. She didn't know what to say. "There are too many people in this city," she offered, after a while, to distract herself. And it was something she'd wanted to get off her chest ever since she'd gotten back to New York.

"Oh. It's Labor Day weekend," said Jessica, smiling a little. Taeyeon shrugged - that meant nothing, though she guessed that it was a holiday or something. Jessica glanced at Taeyeon, and then explained: "Everybody in America gets a break and everybody comes up to New York."

"Oh," muttered Taeyeon, somewhat vaguely, and she was falling back on old manners, she knew it, but this - this was too much, she thought. Everything about this. Especially Jessica, who was walking around New York as if she _knew_ it. As if she loved it. Taeyeon's feelings were too complicated to sort out, and she was too tired to even think about trying right now.

"If you think this is a lot of people, you should come during Christmas," said Jessica, reasonably.

Taeyeon shivered instead of answering. It was too much to imagine.

They were still walking - somewhere. Jessica was staring straight ahead, mostly. "How much more time are you getting in New York?" she said, after another while.

Taeyeon shook her head. "Only two more days," she said.

"That soon?"

"The company only wanted me over here to patch things up with the American producers before the next time," said Taeyeon, before realizing that that was more than she'd meant to say. The jet-lag was spiking again.

But, surprisingly, Jessica was quiet. She didn't press.

"So did you?"

"I - yes," said Taeyeon.

Jessica nodded.

"Let's get a bite," she said. Taeyeon followed, trying to shake the epiphany that she'd just wanted to keep going and tell Jessica about the American producers and everything - _everything_ else about the past month. She'd wanted to be entirely truthful. It was strange. But - maybe it was the jet-lag, again. She watched Jessica talk on the side with the truck vendor and that - that wasn't strange. That was -

Jessica was negotiating or something. Taeyeon kept watching. She was too tired to stop herself. Jessica was something familiar in an unfamiliar world. The awareness prickled down Taeyeon's arm. It was so old, that knowledge.

"The classic or the feta?" asked Jessica, turning around.

"Hmm," said Taeyeon, before realizing that Jessica was looking back at her. Taeyeon must've gotten the dumbest expression back onto her face while staring. Blinking, she glanced away, wishing that this weren't so awkward. "Whatever," she added. "The - the classic."

Jessica bought two of them and brought them over. They went over to the marble steps nearby where a couple of other people were ducked together. Some were eating, too. Others were tossing breadcrumbs to the pigeons. Jessica sat down; she was staring off into space. Taeyeon wanted to - she didn't know what she wanted. This was too similar to what their debut days - years - had felt like. This was bringing up lots of memories that Taeyeon thought she'd made herself forget forever. She tamped them down again with some effort.

"Here," said Jessica, looking up. "Hurry and eat. It's going to get cold."

Taeyeon nodded. She wasn't going to over-think it this time, she decided, slowly, on the spot. She wasn't. She was going to go with the flow. That was the catchphrase in New York, wasn't it? She could do it.

"Flow," said Taeyeon, out loud, in English.

And she didn't mean to be looking at Jessica when she said it, really, she didn't. She was, though, and so she saw the moment the edges of Jessica's mouth quirked up, too. It was painfully familiar, and Taeyeon needed to look away quickly again to - to stop staring again.

"What?" Taeyeon confronted, instead, trying to cover the slip up.

"Your English is - " said Jessica.

"What?" said Taeyeon, again.

Jessica picked up the gyro. "It's the same as I remembered," she said, neutrally.

Taeyeon paused. "Oh?"

"Stop it," said Jessica. "Don't try and get any compliments about your English out of me."

Suddenly Taeyeon stupidly wanted more than anything else to something else silly in English, just to see Jessica smile again. Her mind was still dragging two steps behind, though. She was coming up completely blank on any English vocabulary. So she didn't say anything and sat down and picked up a plate, too. Jessica didn't mention it when Taeyeon sat just a ways away, just a bit too far to be polite, and maybe that was for the best.

##

Jessica didn't know who brought it up, but somebody did, and the other agreed, and the next day they met up again. They were passing by the Chrysler Building, and Taeyeon said something about the way everybody in New York always seemed as if they were wearing two layers of everything, including plaid.

"You could start the trend in Korea," said Jessica, and Taeyeon scoffed.

But Taeyeon seemed a bit more wide-awake this time. It suited Taeyeon better, Jessica thought.

"I mean it," Jessica added.

"I don't know. Were you supposed to be doing something else today?" asked Taeyeon. It wasn't even that cold but Taeyeon was wrapping her arms around herself; and the gesture was so familiar that at times when Jessica looked over, she almost stuttered while walking. Maybe Soojung was right all along. Maybe this was a bad idea.

There was no point in thinking it. "No. Just the usual," said Jessica, trying to shake it off. "It's probably the same with you."

Taeyeon made a noncommittal noise.

Jessica tried not to look over again. Instead, she thought about where they'd end up walking this time. It probably didn't matter, though she wondered sometimes if Taeyeon noticed they weren't really doing anything other than walking. If she did, she wasn't saying anything about it. And, in any case, Jessica didn't know what else to do with the time. She'd thought yesterday would be it.

It confused Jessica more than she'd care to admit. But - maybe, improbably, Taeyeon just wanted the company. And she'd reached the point where even Jessica's company would do.

The thought stung. An old wound.

"These buildings seem familiar," said Taeyeon, and Jessica dragged herself back to the present, ignoring where that train of thought would go, too. There wasn't any point in thinking about any of it.

"We're pretty close to Madison, actually," she said, instead. "Isn't your studio somewhere nearby?" Then she added, "If you need to get back to your producers - "

"No. Things really weren't going so well. With the album. Last time," said Taeyeon, out of nowhere. "I'm not seeing the producers again until next year," she said, and this was - this was all so unexpected to hear from Taeyeon herself, even moreso than yesterday, that Jessica almost stopped walking altogether.

"Oh," she said. "You mean when I ran into you a month ago?"

"I sucked," said Taeyeon, and Jessica needed to fight to keep her expression neutral. So she started to shake her head, instead, but Taeyeon said, "No. Really. I did."

Jessica really needed to control already the shock over the fact that Taeyeon was saying so much in the first place, but it was difficult. She glanced over, and if she didn't know any better, she might've thought that Taeyeon looked - Taeyeon looked almost relieved as she'd said it. What was going on? "Okay," said Jessica, slowly, remembering the thousands of ways in which Taeyeon was weird. Then she thought: I can do better than this, and tried to rally. "Things are always rough in the beginning."

Taeyeon shook her head. "It's - past that point. I thought so, too. I thought it was America." Jessica stole another quick glance over, but Taeyeon was staring off to the side. "I thought it was so many things," she said, after a while.

"So you ignore all the extra noise," said Jessica. "You know. Figure out what matters."

Taeyeon paused. "That's easier said than done."

"I know," said Jessica.

Taeyeon nodded.

They passed by the Grand Central entrance and it got a bit more crowded, just enough to need to mind the people in front of them.

"What are you so busy with?" said Taeyeon, and it didn't sound - it didn't sound like an accusation. Jessica glanced over again just to make sure. It was always that way with Taeyeon, really, she was remembering. Jessica was never quite sure where she stood, never quite sure when she'd made a mistake and Taeyeon was going to punish her for it.

It didn't seem as if it was anything, this time, though, so Jessica shrugged. "Lots of things. New York Fashion Week is coming up. And I need to fix some things." She paused, and then thought: what was wrong with clarifying? Taeyeon was sharing, so she might as well share a bit, too. "There was this interview that came out about a month ago."

Then, to Jessica's complete surprise, Taeyeon said, "I saw that." She glanced at Jessica. "You said that you would start singing again."

"I misspoke," said Jessica, a bit tightly, again, for the thousandth time - and, on second thought, this was a bit too close to breaking the silent agreement they'd made between them not to talk about anything in the past.

Taeyeon nodded, frowning into the distance ahead of them. They continued walking in what was more or less silence. Taeyeon was skirting along the sidewalk, skipping around people, moving out of their way. She was really just as awkward and unfathomable as Jessica remembered. She kept gazing at Jessica when she thought that Jessica wasn't paying attention. Jessica knew that Taeyeon would glance away as if she'd been burnt if Jessica was to look back, though, and so Jessica never did.

Still, it was just habit to glance over every so often. And Taeyeon seemed - she seemed pretty moody. Per usual. Eyebrows drawn, at times, when she thought Jessica wasn't noticing.

Mostly, though, Taeyeon just looked small on the streets. A little bit tired. A little bit lost.

It wasn't good. It was making Jessica remember every old instinct to go to Taeyeon's side. To protect Taeyeon. No. Taeyeon didn't need protecting, she thought. If anything, Jessica needed to protect herself. She might be over it, but she still remembered - everything.

##

The second session was on Monday. Jessica went early in the morning. Once this was done, she could put everything about this made-up comeback behind her. The thought wasn't as impelling as Jessica thought it'd be, though, and that was a bit troubling.

But Ben was waiting already. "Hello again."

"Good morning," said Jessica, and prepared to put on another smile.

"Air-conditioning's working today," Ben commented, getting the door open. He really was nice.

And it was just as easy as the past time, really. No curveballs. Nothing out of the blue. Everything that Jessica might've been expecting. Ben was playing the part perfectly, too - right up to the segue into singing and the Korean entertainment industry that Jessica knew was coming. She'd rehearsed the line. She knew what to say. She knew what she was supposed to say.

But, for some reason, Jessica couldn't say it. "I - " she said, and then, "Everything's up in the air right now."

And Ben was surprised, Jessica could tell. He'd been briefed on what the purpose of this interview was. "But you're set on fashion right now. You're going to put thoughts about a comeback in singing aside for now?"

Jessica swallowed. What was she doing? "I'm set on making the future as promising as I can make it," she said, diplomatically.

Ben was professional enough to carry on but confused enough to stumble through the next set of questions.

It didn't make any sense of Jessica, either, and when she got back, she wondered what on earth she'd been _thinking_. More talk about comeback was never what she'd wanted. And she really didn't think she wanted to mount a comeback - so what was that all about? Now the talk would continue, and she would need to continue thinking about it, and nothing was solved.

The business school applications were still in the exact same drawer.

In just a couple of days, though, things picked up speed and Jessica met it with a sort of relief. There wasn't time to think about anything extraneous. By the time Fashion Week was about to begin, Jessica was already past it until some Korean reporter called out of the blue to request a comment about the comeback - but Jessica knew what to say, by then.

"February," she said, and took a deep breath. "Check in next February."

That would give Jessica some more time. And - she wanted to send a message but she didn't even know what message she'd wanted to send.

Jessica picked up a pencil. For some reason, she ended up thinking about Taeyeon again. Wondering if Taeyeon was okay now. But - no. Jessica couldn't. Not anymore. Not about any of that. Jessica couldn't afford to dwell in the past as much as she'd dwelled in it when she was with Taeyeon. It was the future that mattered.

So, instead, she put down the pencil. Picked up her phone. Prepared to send the new apartment address out to everybody before she forgot again.

##

Back in Seoul, Taeyeon went about the usual schedule that manager-oppa gave out. A radio guesting. A taping the next day. Writing in between. Everything went back to normal.

Everybody somehow knew she was back again, and there was another round of reiterating America to everyone. The only thing that mattered, though, was manager-oppa seeming satisfied with the fumbling assurances she'd made in New York to the American producers. He was satisfied enough, anyway, to invite Taeyeon to some management dinner that night with all these big execs. It was in this grand private venue in Gangnam, and she smiled and bowed all the way through it. It wasn't difficult, though she was badly jet-lagged again. This was Korea. Taeyeon knew the game when it was in Korea.

She saw the sketchpad in the gift shop nearby, in the lobby. There was a pattern on the cover, nothing too elaborate but drawn in clean, thin lines that somehow reminded her of Jessica. She ran a finger down the spine.

Before she could think about it, she'd picked it up and brought it up to the counter.

##

It was so good to be back in Seoul, too. It wasn't difficult to settle into a rhythm. The different thing was that she was making sure it was a new rhythm this time. Taeyeon was going to get another piano, too. It didn't make much sense but that was okay. It was part of going with the flow. She would start this anew, she thought. From the start. Focusing on what mattered this time.

A blank slate.

It was a nice train of thought. It was starting to crystallize a bit whenever she wrote. The ideas were coming slowly but clearly. Taeyeon wouldn't force anything.

The idea of a new piano was still recent, a little vague around the edges, but even the thought was exciting. It would need to wait, though. It was getting closer to winter and a lot of hoobaes were either making their comebacks or preparing to comeback and Taeyeon was supporting them. And even that was going well. Usually it felt like a lot of pressure but this time around when people texted, she didn't dawdle as usual before texting back. There was time to go around.

"So they're planning on getting producers from Sweden or something to come over," said Tiffany, during brunch, one day, which, okay, wasn't especially ground-breaking or anything. But Taeyeon was nodding, anyway, while searching inside her bag for some mints.

It slipped out.

"Hey," said Tiffany. "That's not your usual notebook."

Taeyeon picked it up. She'd forgotten about it in the midst of everything. No. That was a lie. Really, she'd gotten the chance to think about it and she'd lost her nerve. Taeyeon glanced down at it and it still reminded her of Jessica. But Tiffany was looking at it, too, and so Taeyeon slipped it back into the bag before Tiffany could tell that it was a sketchpad and not a notebook after all.

"So?"

Tiffany still didn't know about Jessica. For some reason, Taeyeon still didn't want to tell her. Tiffany was looking up at her, now, though, so Taeyeon pretended obliviousness. "So what?"

"So that's not your usual notebook," said Tiffany.

"Oh. Sorry. Is it not _pink_ enough for you?" said Taeyeon.

The deflection worked. "You're right. There's no pink on it _at all_ ," said Tiffany. "I'm not as good an influence as I thought I was."

"You're influential enough," Taeyeon told her.

Tiffany needed to go a bit earlier to catch the company car towards the end. Taeyeon stayed behind to field the check. In the middle of putting her wallet back into the bag, she knocked into the rim. Her fingers brushed against the top of the sketchpad again. It made Taeyeon pause and glance out the window. She did need to get back sometime soon but - it was raining outside, anyway. Taeyeon thought about it and got out a pen and wrote a note.

By the time she looked back up, the clock read fifteen past one. The taxi was waiting.

" _Damn_ it," said Taeyeon out loud, and quickly gathered everything up. In the rush, she accidentally dropped the note into a small pool of rain collecting on the ground outside the door - but she managed to scoop it back up just in time before shoving it behind the cover of the sketchpad.

When she got into the taxi, she asked the driver to drop by the post office before they went anywhere else.

##

Fashion Week went by in a whirlwind. It took up even more time than Jessica originally allotted, and sometimes the minutes felt as if they were just flying right by Jessica's ears. The shows were amazing, though. All of them. Jessica was still awed by them, every time, years later. And she was privileged just to be a part of it - that was what she needed to try to keep in mind, always. That was what was important.

During the Castonini after-party, Antonio Castonini took a moment to talk to Jessica aside.

"I've seen your work. It's impressive. Keep it up," said Castonini, and that was already more than anything Jessica could want.

There was a recent uptick in sales, too. The brand name was settling in. And maybe it was partly because of some leftover furor from Fashion Week, but sales would always be welcome news. Jessica re-directed the shipments to try and keep up with the uptake.

In the middle of everything, moving got the short shrift, but she'd make do. Soojung was concerned enough that she offered to use up her vacation to come to New York to help Jessica make the move, which Jessica immediately refuted. Though it would be nice if she could get to see Soojung again. But - "No," Jessica said again, more firmly, this time. "If you're going to come to New York, you should come to take a real vacation. Not to move things around with me."

And she would somehow make it work. Jessica was thinking about furnishing the place from a complete blank slate, anyway. She was used to starting out from the bottom. The necessities. Jessica thought about it and then went out and bought a mattress.

It'd do.

Sometime in October, she found the change of address mail deposited outside the door. It wasn't a busy day, relatively, so she brought the mail inside and went through them one by one. It was more or less the same as usual. Bulletins, advertisements, bills of notice, a couple of magazines - near the bottom of the pile was a package from Korea. Jessica wasn't expecting anything from anyone, and she frowned while neatly cutting the package open. It was a sketchpad.

The pattern on the cover was nice. Jessica ran a finger down it before opening it. A note fell out and Jessica picked it up from the ground. The writing was the same as ever. Jessica remembered reading somewhere that people's handwriting usually stopped changing when they were sixteen, or seventeen.

For some reason, the note seemed a bit wet. Jessica shook it off. It was just dried water, though, but everything was already smudged immeasurably out by it - everything, except:

_Jessica,_

_Hi._


End file.
